Finally a little more like...me.

Primavera frumoasa!

Primavera frumoasa is the first day of spring, which we celebrated on Monday here in Romania. The fresh market was jam packed that morning as we went with so many others in the city to get flowers for special people. The flowers were beautiful and the feeling in the air was so...springy! Which just happens to be one of my favorite times of the year. This week was also the week building up to the big day, March 8th which is Ziua Femeii (Women's Day) and it's really the Romanian equivalent of Mother's Day here. Those flowers above are the culmination of all of the flowers given to each of us girls and every woman in the branch today. We (the girls here) also gave our own little gift by singing "E Ziua de Mamico" for all the branch members. :) It's a fun little mother's song, feel free to have a listen to this poppy version if you'd like!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xsueWarCmg

Needless to say it was a wonderful day at the branch!
As for the rest of this week....well I did a lot of this...

Yup, I fell asleep at a church activity...toilet paper and all. I also did PLENTY of this...

Yes, I did in fact get hit hard this week with something bad. It all started on Monday with a scratchy throat and has gone in a bell curve that I'm still definitely in. Wednesday was the peak, and I missed two days of work at Section 2 (which bothered me more than any nose blowing or coughing). Wednesday was pretty horrible, I was completely out of commission. What did I do that day? I watched three movies, slept, and took a very hot bath. I'm thinking the sickness came from a number of things.
1- stress
2-the sudden change in the weather. It's been beautiful and warm for weeks and then that all changed in a flash!
3- sickly children
4- stress.
Since my "recovery" and return to work on Friday, things have been a slow uphill incline. I did get to go out yesterday for some yummy Romanian food!

...Ha apparently Abby didn't think it was so yummy. That same night we huddled close together to withstand the cold while waiting for a tram Saturday night at 10:00 pm :). Man it was COLD!


So...I've sat and debated what to write for this week's post a lot...and had some misgivings as to what I should actually put down. I don't want to pour all of my heart, soul, and personal experiences onto here because, well, those are personal for a reason and this is the internet. That being said, I feel it's important to share how I really am with my close family and friends who read this, and I'm also eager to share my thoughts and growing experiences. It's tough to find the middle ground. But my sister Lisa recently posted something that was more than just the "we went and did this..." and I've read it many times, grateful for the chance to hear a little more intimately how she's feeling at this stage in her life. I loved it sis :) and I've chosen to follow her lead (which has never taken me in a wrong direction yet...don't even get me started on how blessed I am to be the youngest in my family). So with that introduction, consider yourselves warned, and be prepared for a lot of feelings!

For some time now, I've had a tiny identity crisis building inside of me. That all came to a head this past week, especially when the sickness hit because when I feel weak and sick, I feel it in every aspect. For weeks I've felt frustrated with what my role is here. The things I'm known for at home, those things that make me me seem to be different or at least feel different here. Am I here to serve the kids I work with? Yes! Yet every day I struggle as I witness their trials and attempt to make any difference I possibly can for them. In the end I recognize that it's more what they do for me than what I can do for them that will make the largest difference. Yet, the fact that I feel so helpless, lacking in the skills and the permission to truly make a notable difference in their lives has weighed down upon me more than I ever thought it would. Each day is different, I never know what to expect and neither do they. One day I'll have time to play and cuddle and teach. The next I hardly can get two minutes of quality time with any of them. The things I've seen, the heartbreak I've felt as I've been forced to look away as they cry and struggle with their own loneliness has left an imprint on me like nothing ever has before. I do my very best, but so often I don't feel like it's even close to enough, and that has caused a lot of frustration. I have no doubt that the stress I've felt from my constant struggle at work was a major factor in my crash in health this week.

Am I here to learn and grow from my roommates and the friends I'm making here? Yes! But this also has added to my small identity crisis, because in my constant focus to see the good in others I suppose I haven't done so well at finding it in myself as well. It's very easy for me to see only my faults. And I suppose I've struggled with feeling unique, feeling like I have something truly my own to offer others... which sad to say may be tied to my pride. I know it sounds crazy! But I'm just trying to put into words the things that I've recently realized have been weighing me down. Constantly working to bridge gaps and accommodate differences seems to have tired me out a bit and maybe even suppressed my true self (which is my own fault, I know).

So, overall I guess I've missed the things that make me ME, because I've felt very disconnected from myself if that makes any sense at all. On Friday night I finally snapped out of this weird mind set I've been in, and reconnected with ME and I've felt so happy ever since. What happened Friday night you ask? I stayed home while the rest of the group went to see Alice and Wonderland at the mall. It was the first time I'd ever been alone in the apartment, and apparently it was exactly what I needed to "find myself" again. I spent two glorious hours cleaning the kitchen while singing to my show tunes, followed by homework and Julie Andrews :)

Yes, I did in fact watch "The Sound of Music" all by myself, and it was the perfect thing to pull me back together. Just look at her! I completely lost myself in the movie. I laughed, cried, and sang along and loved every minute of it. Cheesy? YES! But it made me so incredibly happy. I finally felt like ME again.

Now I'm no Julie Andrews (not even close), that is NOT my real hair, and I have yet to visit the Alps...but I feel very content to be me, here having my own little European experience. It's obvious that I'm happiest when I'm being myself, with the people I love...
And doing the things I love...

Yet, it seems I need to learn how to be that happy even when all that is so far away. There are no campfires in Iasi, only cigarette smoke. And those that I love and who give me strength are so far away. It's easy to be an optimist when life is a breeze...can I call myself a true optimist when things are different? That is the question, and I feel as though I can now say, 100%, YES!

The challenges of life are such a blessing, I feel so grateful for all that I'm learning here, even if it's the fact that I'm re-learning how to be myself. Being here in Romania gives me daily opportunities to be completely out of my element, to challenge my strength of character in so many ways. I made one of my favorite purchases yet the other day...4 lei (the equivalent of about $1.20)...and the cutest little thing I ever did see. It's a book of poetry by Anne Bronte, and it's about two inches tall...in other words heaven for me. In it I found a poem, that I've read so many times now. It may just be my favorite ever...I can't help but share it with you all and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do :) And yes, it's long but definitely worth it!

Oh, Youth may listen patiently,

While sad Experience tells her tale;

But doubt sits smiling in his eye,

For ardent Hope will still prevail!

He hears how feeble Pleasure dies,

By guilt destroyed, and pain and woe;

He turns to Hope and- she replies,

‘Believe it not- it is not so!’

‘Oh, heed her not!” Experience says,

‘For thus she whispered once to me;

She told me, in my youthful days,

How glorious manhood’s prime would be.

When in the time of early Spring,

Too chill the winds that o’er me pass’d,

She said, each coming day would bring

A fairer heaven, a gentler blast.

And when the sun too seldom beamed,

The sky, o’ercast, too darkly frowned,

The soaking rain too constant streamed,

And mists too dreary gathered round;

‘She told me Summer’s glorious ray

Would chase those vapours all away,

And scatter glories round.

With sweetest music fill the trees,

Load with rich scent the gentle breeze,

And strew with flowers on the ground.

But when, beneath that scorching ray,

I languished, weary, through the day,

While birds refused to sing,

Verdure decayed from field and tree,

And panting Nature mourned with me

The freshness of the Spring.

“Wait but a little while,” she said,

“Till Summer’s burning days are fled;

And Autumn shall restore,

With golden riches of her own,

And Summer’s glories mellowed down,

The freshness you deplore.”

And long I waited, but in vain;

That freshness never came again,

Though Summer passed away,

Though Autumn’s mists hung cold and chill,

And drooping nature languished still,

And sank into decay.

Till wintry blasts foreboding blew

Through leafless trees and- then I knew

That Hope was all a dream.

But thus, fond youth, she cheated me;

And she will prove as false to thee,

A thousand ills will oft portend,

That Providence may ne’er intend

The trembling heart to bear.

Or if they come, it oft appears,

Our woes are lighter than our fears,

And gently, gently die away

Chilled by the damps of truth!

Tell him, that earth is not our rest;

Its joys are empty frail at best;

And point beyond the sky.

But gleams of light may reach us here;

And hope the roughest path can cheer:

Then do not bid it fly!

Though hope may promise joys, that still

Unkindly time will ne’er Fulfil;

Or, if they come at all,

We never find them unalloyed,

Hurtful perchance, or soon destroyed,

They vanish or they pall;

Yet hope itself a brightness throws

O’er all our labours and our woes:

A thousand ills will oft portend,

That Providence may ne’er intend

The trembling heart to bear.

Or if they come, it oft appears,

Our woes are lighter than our fears,

And far more bravely borne.

Then let us not enhance our doom;

But e’en in midnight’s blackest gloom

Expect the rising morn.

Because the road is rough and long,

Shall we despise the skylarks’ song,

That cheers the wanderer’s way?

Or trample down, with reckless feet,

The smiling flowerets, bright and sweet

Because they soon decay?

Pass pleasant scenes unnoticed by,

Because the next is bleak and drear;

Or not enjoy a smiling sky,

Because a tempest may be near?

No! While we journey on our way,

We’ll notice every lovely thing;

And ever, as they pass away,

To memory and hope we’ll cling.

And though that awful river flows

Before us, when the journey’s past,

Perchance of all the pilgrim’s woes

Most dreadful shrink not ‘tis the last!

Though icy cold, and dark, and deep;

Beyond it smiles that blessed shore,

Where none shall suffer, none shall weep,

And bliss shall reign forevermore!

None shall suffer, none shall weep... I'm here doing all that I can, and doing my best to love every minute of it. To notice every lovely thing and feel joy in all that I possibly can. It feels wonderful to have reconnected, to know even more surely that I'm in the right place, learning what I need to learn to progress on my own path. It feels good to completely feel like ME again :)

P.S. I didn't really CRY while watching The Sound of Music ok? I wasn't quite that far gone...it's just an expression alright? Good, glad we have that all cleared up :) Have a great week!